PortaStyle Guide...A style guide to everything you're doing wrong

The PORTASTYLE
GUIDE
A style guide to everything you're doing wrong!

Undateable

By Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle

Many women will tell you, "It's what's on the inside that counts." They'll throw around notions like "confidence" and "sense of humor" and claim not to care what kind of shirt you wear as long as there's a good heart underneath it. These women are liars. Or they've never been on the losing end of a blind date with a spray-tanned man in acid-washed skinny jeans. Because as Darwin and book covers teach us, what's on the outside can often give a pretty good indication of the quality within. This is the lesson we learned from Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle's very funny new book Undateable—a manual for men who hope to interact with the opposite sex. Here, for your benefit, GQ presents the 19 worst fashion offenses from this essential new guide to making sure your genes get passed on.—Bess Kalb

1. Embellished jeans



Studded with rivets, designed with crystal swirls, embroidered, tattooed, painted…In your sincere attempt to be "hip," you have actually ended up dressing like a seventeen-year-old girl.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

2. Guylights



Highlighting, frosting, or bleaching your hair. Why is it the guys with the biggest muscles do the girliest things? Go tell your date you'll pick her up as soon as you're done "frosting your tips" and let us know how that goes.

Photo: Corbis

3. Mesh clothing

When you wear mesh, are you telling us you're so hot that if you wore regular clothes they would burst into flames? These clothes are appropriate nowhere.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

4. Ed Hardy



If you are over twenty-one and now working for a living, it's the King of the Douches look. (See: Jon Gosselin.) Absurd. Don't be a victim.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

5. Sunglasses indoors or at night



Comedian Larry David put it best… "You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes."

Photo: Getty Images

6. Stupid t-shirts



Tell us you can't read and we'll leave you alone.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

7. Overly tan



Most women love a man who looks like he's spent time outdoors – but there's a limit. Like being too tan. George Hamilton valiantly attempted this for years, and they still voted him off Dancing with the Stars. There's a lesson in there somewhere. And, even worse, spray tans. The only reason a man should have a tan is if he's been in the sun. End of story.

Photo: Corbis

8. The skullet



That would be the bald head with the long hair in the back. There are no words.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

9. Fur coat



Here's a thought…give it to us. It will make a lovely throw at the end of our bed.

Photo: Getty Images

10. Sports jerseys



Only acceptable at a sporting event. Actually, we take that back. This whole look is just plain queer. And by queer we don't mean gay. A gay man would never be caught dead in one. They make you look like a big, lumbering seven-year-old.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

11. Leather pants



Trust us, this never really works unless you're Lenny Kravitz.

Photo: Getty Images

12. Overly cologned



Way to announce yourself six minutes before you actually enter the room. Yowza. Your strong and stanky scent is burning out our eyes. It's also ensuring that no matter what we order for dinner, it will taste like Drakkar Noir.

Photo: Getty Images

13. Hair plugs



If your intention was to have women look at nothing but your hairline and visualize how searingly painful that procedure actually was, then this was a success. If it was to cover up the fact that you are losing your hair, then no, it didn't work. Not even a little.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

14. Tighty whities



Just plain creepy.

Photo: Courtesy of Bantam Dell Books

15. Colored contacts



Wow, this is really terrifying. You look like an alien. Wait, are you sure you're not here to puncture my ovaries and extract my life beans?

Photo: Getty Images

16. Sideways baseball hat: A.K.A "the Hat Tilt" 


Unfortunately, this has become a national epidemic. The fact that you stood in front of a mirror, making your puckered-lipped "I'm so cool" face, popping your "lid" at the perfect angle to get this exact look is so loserish it scares us.

Photo: Getty Images

18. Perm



Your first clue should have been when you went to the salon and realized the only other people getting perms were middle-aged housewives. If your excuse is that you didn't know this because you did a "home perm," move yourself up to KISS OF DEATH status.

Photo: Getty Images

18. Tacky polyester suits



We would like to be with men who dress like they are of this era.

Photo: Getty Images

19. Pinky rings



If you're wearing a pinky ring, let's consider what you're telling us about yourself. You feel a kinship to fur coats, pimps, Vegas, drug dealers, mobsters, silk shirts, Guidos, and Liberace. If that's what you want to tell us, okay. You just need to understand this look is very limiting. Sex? Fuggheddaboudit!

Photo: Getty Images

Special Thanks To GQ

more on...>GQ>Entertainment>Humor

“Do not worry if you do it because it is 1 in non-stereotype. Do you have a happy life. Just do not do this again as you like.

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It does not help you see where all cool! It is important that more than 1 page of tips on successful VJ is "Eyes contact" because of is concerned it has warned.”

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